FUNNY

Nice try. I don’t feel funny. I don’t feel ha, ha funny. I don’t feel this is strange funny. I don’t feel this is weird funny, or I don’t get it, or that’s funny, would you look at that. I’m sour like curdled. I’m like the kid who first discovers that their parents are actually real people who fuck up. I’m in shock. But it’s worse than realizing your parents are like real people who screw up, who don’t know things, who go weak when you want them strong. Later, when you’re older and you know more, you laugh at the boy who believed in heroes. This stewed pot of meshugana is more like something that shouldn’t be.

It’s like somebody said you have the rules all wrong. I can stop you on the road and say, ‘That’s a nice car you have. Why don’t you get out? I think I’ll take it. Your face is priceless. Ha, ha, the joke’s on you, buddy.’ Even when your parents had feet of clay and later yours are no different, you knew that above existed people who were bigger, stronger, brighter, richer, and more powerful, who kept it all together because we knew we all had mushy feet. We thought if enough of us believed in things enduring, like, I don’t know, law, truth, right, that they would keep things on an even keel, so we could all go about our lives with confidence. Ha, ha, what a joke! That’s a knee-slapper. Big people, like household names with influence and departments of lawyers, turns out to be made of paper. It took just a little puff, not even a breeze, not even a breath to knock them flat with not a peep. We’ll do what you want, whatever you say. Listen, I don’t know if I can say this without losing it, but an entire branch of government — imagine it! — is no better than a putz, a gonif, una persona estúpida y inútil. I know, hilarious, right?

Who are the little people, anyway? Will they even notice if something disappears from their lives? Their day-to-day looks pretty hard right now; that’s all they can pay attention to, anyway. Isn’t that funny? Come on, that’s a pisser. Profiles in Courage will appear in the next Reader’s Digest under the heading Did you hear the one about? We can all read it while taking a shit with our pants around our knees or our skirt in our lap, thinking someone should kiss my knees, they’re so perfect, as you squeeze out a big one. Will you be giggling? Will the households in the suburbs be slapping their bare thighs, saying Oh, that was a good one, another pillar of accomplishment, strength, in the top just said kick me in the ass, I like it. Wait a minute, I can’t go on, I’m laughing so hard it’s hard to breathe.

Yeah, I’ve got another one for you. Guys in SUVs dressed like cowboys with bandanas show up on my street, take away Mr. Edward’s gardener, Mrs. Peterson’s nanny, and Mr. Weber’s handyman. We all like westerns, don’t we? We like to see a satisfying comeuppance. Everything put back right, yeah, isn’t that what we want? So you must feel pretty good, huh? All warm and cozy in our tummies are we? Must have been a chuckle or two seeing them stuffed in the cars in handcuffs. Oh, you knew all these people and their families. Imagine that — that’s a howl. When I tell the guys at the office, that will get a rise. You know, they like a good copper story where things are put right before teetering over into bad things happening. Yeah, they’ll snort out of the surprise, protestations, and the awkward part where they walk handcuffed. Oh, sure-fire material for a joke, don’t you think? Probably you’ve told a few yourself, huh? It’s hard to stop when we’re having so much fun, right?

Don’t get me wrong, there’s more hilarity, but I feel a little sleepy. Oh, I know, did you hear the one about a guy who walks into – you name it – with a gun. I forget the rest, it’s going the rounds. I need a break from thinking for a while. My ribs hurt from all the laughing.